What did he say?
May. 25th, 2007 11:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eveglassAs some of you know, since September I've been playing in a Game of Thrones RPG run by Ian. It was quickly apparent that the players and the characters had a special style of banter that often left us gasping with laughter. Not wanting these moments to disappear to the places of unremembered moments, I started writing down some of the funniest ones for posterity. And now, for further posterity, I post them here.
I am under no illusions. Some of these "lines of the night" will only make sense to the players and GM. Some require context and backstory, which I will try to provide. But some of them stand alone, and I hope you enjoy them.
The game is set in the universe of Game of Thrones, by George R.R. Martin. For those who know the books, it is set about 15 years prior to the start of the novels, just before the tournament at Harrenhal. For those who don't know the books, it is a fantasay-esque setting, but without other races or (overt) magic. Think "middle ages in another world" and you've pretty much got it.
All characters are associated in some way with House Reidel, a house Ian made up for the game. Located at an extremely strategic, central location, just south of the God's Eye, House Reidel is a banner-house to the Tyrells (of the Reach) but in fact distant cousins of the Targaryens (the house of kings). House Reidel is known for its very effective Maesters at Arms, and consequently many nobles send their sons to foster at Crossroads (the holdings of House Reidel) to learn the art of swordsmanship. Many nobles also send their daughters to foster at Crossroads, because that's where all the eligible bachelors are.
The main cast of characters:
- Maxwell Reidel, "The Courtier" (played by Yan): Youngest son of Lord Reidel and one of the most capable jousters in the kingdom. He's a match even for Prince Rhaegar and Gregor Clegane... at least when he's sober, which isn't very often. Maxwell would have long since been knighted if he wasn't always drinking and cavorting.
- Maester Gerion (played by Chris Lontoc): The son of a Frey and a Lannister, Gerion inherited both families' penchant for ruthless efficiency and scheming. Beloved of Lord Walder Frey, mostly because the rest of his very extensive family hates him, Gerion maintained his family connections even after taking the Maester's chains. He is currently maester of House Reidel.
- Septon Gerald (played by Joe): The rather nondescript septon of House Reidel, Septon Gerald isn't actually present very often. (Read: Joe couldn't come to many sessions and eventually dropped the game.)
- Joseph Tyrell, "The Blackrose" (played by Sam): A member of House Tyrell (lords of the Reach) and related to the Tullys (lords of the Riverlands), Joseph should actually be far more highly placed than he currently is. While an able swordsman and a pleasant companion, Joseph is not looked upon favourably by House Tyrell, hence his moniker. Currently fostered to house Reidel and in service to Ser Matthias Malik, many people are wondering whether Joseph isn't long due to be knighted himself.
- Arella Dayne (played by Julie): Sister to Ser Arthur Dayne of the Kingsguard, Arella is heiress to the Dornish banner-house of Starfall. A free spirit in a land of more servile women, Arella is often inadvertently causing situations for the other characters to deal with. Currently fostered to House Reidel.
- Ser Torred Shale, "The Dancer" (played by Gunny): Arella's bodyguard, the recently-knighted Ser Torred has been associated with House Dayne for several years. Though a bastard son to a wealthy merchant, Torred actually has quite a fair amount of money and influence over his father's business. He fights quite effectively with a spear, the traditional weapon of Dorne, and his fluid fighting style has earned him his moniker. Currently serving Arella and training at Crossroads.
- Ser Matthias Malik (played by Kyn): Recently knighted, Ser Matthias hails from a small aristocratic family with no holdings. Malik is known for his devout piety, and is often the target of Bobby and Larra, Arella's promiscuous ladies-in-waiting. So far, they have not succeeded in catching him off guard. Fiercely loyal to Lord Reidel, Ser Matthias is currently training and serving at Crossroads.
- NPCs, etc. (played by Ian): will be explained as necessity dictates
The "Lines of the Night"
Brief note: some of these lines were said in-character, some out-of-character. To avoid confusion, I have used the characters' names for in-character lines, and the players' names for out-of-character.
Sept. 20, 2006
Torred: Do you have a better idea?
Maxell: Yes!
Torred: ... Fair enough.
[Just a case of Kyn not quite remembering his English properly:]
Gerion: I have a proposal for you.
Malik: Proposition away!
Random NPC: Maester Gerion, we found Tiget. He doesn't look well. In fact, he looks dead.
Oct. 3, 2006
[Referencing the fact that Maxwell is an excellent jouster but only fair swordsman, this line just invited misinterpretation:]
Malik: Maxwell can't fight unless he has something between his legs.
Maxwell: Something that you apparently don't have.
Malik: ... I should have thought of that before I said anything.
Nov. 1, 2006
[Willas Tyrell is the oldest son of Lord Tyrell, whom they are discussing:]
Willas: I think my father is just sensitive.
Gerion: Can I quote you on that?
Willas: ... Certainly not.
Nov. 15, 2006
[Joe had still not shown up when the game started. This was the very first line of the night, as Ian tried to set the stage:]
Ian: So, you show up at Oldtown with the Godsworn--
[doorbell rings]
Ian: --and there he is now.
[From the department of "lines that aren't dirty but sound like they are":]
Gunny: I guess you shouldn't oil a spear in the bath.
[Bizarre stuff started happening:]
Kyn: Somehow, I turned left and found myself in D&D!
[At Oldtown, Maxwell found a manticore and wanted to buy it:]
Yan: Sweet! I'm gonna be riding a manticore!
Everyone else: Or the manticore's gonna be riding you!
Kyn (to Marc, who was watching the game): Geez... you're like this oversized, walking boulder.
Malik: There is no shame in doing menial work.
Gerion: Not to be facetious, but the term 'menial'...
[At a ball, things got a little odd:]
Ian: And the Reidels invent the discotec.
Nov. 29, 2006
[The player characters are on a boat sailing to Lannisport. We're about a day away. Ian, unbeknownst to the players, has "plans" for us.]
Kyn: So, do we land?
Ian: Heh heh.
Malik: The Lannisters control every gold, silver, and copper in the port.
Gerion: [scoff] Copper?
Arella: That's what bannermen are for.
Kyn: God, I love being the oppressed minority!
[Our ship was shipwrecked, and Torred is running back and forth trying to save people.]
Gunny: I just want to know if that part of the ship is where I left it!
[Joseph was thrown overboard in the shipwreck and trying to swim for land. He rolled, I believe, a natural 20 on his swim check.]
Ian: You find a dingy.
Sam: Best swim check ever!
[Malik is carrying Bobby, one of Arella's promiscuous ladies-in-waiting. They had both fallen into the water during the shipwreck and Malik is trying to climb back on-board. Remember that he is known for his devout piety and chastity.]
Malik (to Bobby): Lose the dress -- it's wet!
[Kyn rolled a 1 on his climb check, sending the rope spiralling down to the water and then snapping back upwards.]
Ian: You've just invented the bungee cord.
Chris: The speed of plot overcomes the laws of physics.
[Malik, Torred, and a bunch of other people find themselves on a desert island after the shipwreck.]
Malik: Hey.
Torred: Hey.
Malik and Torred, in tones indicating they'd rather face an uncaged manticore: ... Hey Bobby.
Dec. 13, 2006
[More from the "lines that aren't dirty but sound like they are" department:]
Kyn: I like ash. Ash me!
Gerald: [rants very loudly] ... That was not wise, we should keep our voices down. There may still be raiders about.
[Maxwell lost his horse in the shipwreck, and is now on a deserted island with Gerion and a bunch of random NPCs.]
Yan: I have no horse.
Kyn: Are you about to cry?
Yan: ... Yes.
[Malik, Torred, Bobby, and some other NPCs were captured by an Iron Island's fleet -- essentially pirates. Malik is trying very hard to fast-talk the sailors into not raping the (extremely promiscuous) Bobby.]
Malik: She's worth more to you as a virgin!
All other players: [scoff and laugh]
[The various men at arms on the deserted island are trying to build a shelter. Ian rolled a 1 for their check. Chris asked Ian how many men-at-arms he had with him. Ian was about to say "five."]
Reidel man-at-arms: If I bend the tree back... [fwding-a-dinga-dinga]
Ian: ... Four. Four men at arms.
[After a barroom brawl involving about twenty people, Joseph and a guy with an eyepatch are the last two men standing.]
Eyepatch guy: So what are we going to do now?
Joseph: Drink.
Eyepath guy: ... Alright.
Jan. 24, 2007
Ian (about Gunny): That was either an inexperienced mountain climber or a black man masturbating.
Gunny: That's closer to the truth than you know.
[Kyn forgot his character's name. It was funny.]
NPC Interrogator (to Malik): What is your name?
Kyn: My name is... um...
Everyone else: Malik!
Torred (to Bobby): If this is my last day on this planet, there's one thing I want to do first... [he drags her to his cabin]
[Torred and Malik were captured by an Iron Islands armada led by Captain Flynn... think stereotypical pirate. It turns out Torred's grandfather had worked as a pirate alongside Flynn, so Flynn had a soft spot for Torred. He had no such soft spot for Malik, and imprisoned him. Torred is trying to arrange for Malik's release.]
Flynn: You want his release?!?
Torred: I know that at some point in the future, I'll come to regret this choice...
[Ian is describing a scene in which Maxwell is facing off against a wild boar. He has just finished mentioning that they were stalemated, as though one of the two combatants is waiting for his partner.]
Kyn (to Yan): Do you have a partner?
Yan: No.
Ian: But the boar does!
Yan: I need a big stone.
Kyn: And this is where any good plan ends.
Kyn (to Yan): Dude, if you're gonna die, at least save the boar.
[Joseph is lying in bed, very wounded from the barroom brawl. A mysterious man visits him to bring ominous portents.]
Mysterious NPC: Soon, swords will be raised. [All players realize this is a reference to the coming war.]
Joseph: Yes, there's a tournament coming up!
All other players: [deep sigh]
Flynn: Shiv's an exception... He knows how to keep his mouth shut... We sewed it once... He was four.
[Malik has been released from the hold where he was imprisoned, and is trying to find out who the other prisoner in the hold was.]
Malik: The other man in there: what are you going to do with him?
Flynn: He's still alive?
Malik: Yes.
Flynn: I'm nothing if not patient.
Torred: Can I ask what his crime was?
Flynn: I can't remember... he came with the ship.
[As per Iron Islands customs, a new sailor (read: Malik) takes the lowest rank on the ship unless he kills someone and takes their place. He's currently in a fight with an NPC.]
NPC: [Throws his axe. Malik dodges. The axe hits another sailor.]
Kyn: He's dead?
Ian: Yes.
Malik: I take his place!
Feb. 21, 2007
Sam: If you can dodge an arrow, you can dodge a ball!
[Torred and Malik's ship is about to attack a Lannister ship. Malik is trying to justify this action to himself.]
Torred: Think of it as payback.
Malik: No... it's defence!
Torred: Right, we call it that in the mountains sometimes, too.
[A rescue ship has arrived to bring Gerion, Maxwell, and the random NPCs back to civilization. One problem: Maxwell has disappeared and no one knows where he is.]
NPC Captain: Young Maxwell is here?
Gerion: Yes... on the island.
Malik: So... 7 people are going to take on an entire ship?
Torred: They're only Lannisters.
Malik: I think you're starting believe that waaaay too much.
[I absolutely don't remember the context around this line.]
Gunny (to Kyn): Bah... leveling raider won't hurt you.
[Malik tries to justify to himself why he killed three people in the raid on the other ship, during which he gained a sword from one of his victims.]
Malik: True, I just killed three of them, but that was in complete self-defence!
Sam: Complete self-defence... and a shiny sword!
[Maxwell has found himself with a tribe of savages, from whom he's trying desperately to escape, though they've actually been really nice to him. At the moment, he's alone with the chief.]
Maxwell: [rolls to attack the chief] I'm getting out of here alive! [he fails the roll] I am gonna die! Crap!
Chris (to Yan): A fat, unarmed savage kicked your ass.
[Yet another one from the "lines that sound dirty but aren't" department.]
Julie: I'll play it by ear, because there's not much I can do in the sack.
Mar. 14, 2007
Chris: The best that can happen now is that it doesn't get worse.
[Ian's accent slipped a bit while he was playing Flynn.]
Malik (to Flynn): Weren't you... not Irish?
Flynn: ... Argh.
[Malik has been giving Flynn ideas.]
Chris (to Kyn): The Greyjoy rebellion begins early because of you.
Mar. 21, 2007
[Gunny has been absent for a few sessions. Lots of stuff happened in those sessions.]
Ian (to Gunny): So you've been given your own ship.
Gunny: I've been given my own ship. [beat] Wait, I've been given my own ship?
[Torred is speaking with Enron, second-in-command of his newly-acquired ship. Also illiterate.]
Torred: Enron? Is that E-N-R-O-N?
Enron: Yes--
Torred: Great, excellent--
Enron: --I think.
[Torred asks Enron what he can do to secure his position as captain and the respect of the crew.]
Enron: I recommend killing someone who isn't me, captain. Someone old and experienced. Preferably not me.
[Yet another one from the "lines that aren't dirty but sound like it" department:]
Gunny: I think I'm going to go to my cabin and tend to my equipment.
[Maxwell is sleeping.]
Ian (to Yan): Roll listen.
Yan: [rolls a 1] I like sleeping.
[The chief of the savage tribe is trying to explain things to Maxwell using pictograms. Maxwell utterly misinterprets them.]
Maxwell (to chief): So you're going to teach me to be stronger so when I go back to the mainland, I'll become king?
Chief: [facepalm]
[Maxwell, Gerion, et al are eventually rescued. Maxwell is on milk of the poppy due to his wounds and somewhat delirious. No one else knows about the tribe of savages he was with.]
Maxwell: There were savages... they were 8 feet tall!
Gerion: He's somewhat delirious. I'm certain that in no time his mental faculties will be back to their sterling state.
[Torred is getting into the role of being captain.]
Malik (to Torred): Excuse me, can I speak with you for just a... [yank!]
Torred: Did you just grab a captain?!?
Torred (about Malik): Not bad... next we'll have him privy trained.
[Torred has convinced Captain Flynn to enter the entire fleet (of pirates, remember) into the tournament at Harrenhal.]
Torred: I'm planning on making an entrance.
Malik: With the Greyjoys?!?
Torred: It'll be memorable!
Malik (to Harcourt, an NPC): So you're third in command?
Harcourt: Only if you count the captain.
Malik: Good enough for me--
Torred (the captain): Hold!
[Gerion, in charge of establishing the lists order (ie: who fights who) at Harrenhal, receives a message.]
Messenger: The Greyjoys are coming to Harrenhal.
Gerion: What?!? Whose braindead idea is this?
Messenger: The king and Lord Tywin agreed to accept them.
Gerion: It's a great idea!
[Chris, referencing the fact that Malik is not actually a noble, but has been trying to invent a house and has had the rest of the characters fooled all game.]
Chris: You went through all this trouble to acquire a house and now you acquired the Greyjoys.
[One of the "badass moments of the night." Far too much background to go into here. It was a "had to be there" moment.]
Gerion: Joseph! I told you not to kill them!
Joseph: I didn't kill them. [leaves]
Apr. 18, 2007
Gerion: Peasants can always make more peasants. They're like rabbits that way.
[Remember, Gerion is a guy.]
Gerion: Betty, is it?
Betty: Yes, ma'am.
[A ship from Flynn's fleet sank, I believe from an internal conflict that got out of hand.]
Malik (to Flynn): I'm assuming that ship held people who were meant to fight in the tournament?
Flynn: ... Less, now.
[Chris commenting on Kyn's often poorly-thought-through suggestions to Flynn.]
Chris: Is it just me or is Kyn trying to forge the Greyjoys into a fighting force to conquer the mainland?
Malik (to Flynn): Do you want me to argue or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?
Flynn: This is where you smile and nod, lad.
Malik: Right! I think I hear my captain calling!
Kyn: I'm sorry, is it my fault that--
Chris: Yes!
Ian (to Kyn): So far you've been pretty goody-goody: protecting Bobby, saving her virt-- protecting Bobby...
[Remember that Malik is known for being chaste and virtuous, and Bobby is an airheaded slut.]
Malik: Bobby, did you tell him?
Bobby: Sometimes I forget what I say when I'm drunk... Sometimes when I'm not drunk... sometimes when my cunny's being licked...
Malik: Oh look! Woodwork!
May 16, 2007
Torred: If you're about to tell me that we're lost...
Malik: We're lost.
Malik: The solution is--
Torred: Should we be drinking?
Malik: ... Yes, actually.
[Torred has just found out that the Greyjoys have appointed him to negotiate the purchase of hundreds of horses from House Mallister on behalf of the Iron Islands' fleet. Also, that Malik was there when this decision was made.]
Torred: Great! You couldn't talk them out of my buying 3000 horses?
Malik: Actually, that was my suggestion.
Torred: Y'know, with friends like you...
[Gunny and Kyn discussing the probable retribution House Mallister will take upon hearing Torred's request, and how Torred can get his ship out of harm's way.]
Gunny: I've got dodge.
Kyn: That won't help you when you're a ship!
Gunny: Well the boulder won't hit me!
Kyn: That won't help when you're a ship!
[Torred's ship is surrounded by Mallister ships.]
Torred: It's okay! It's under control! We go way back!
Malik (to Torred): Maybe you want to get rid of the braids in your hair.
Torred: I have braids in my hair?!?
[Bobby waves]
Ian (re: Joseph): He's the Clark Kent of Westeros.
Malik: We're not treasonous... yet.
[Gerion suggests to Peter Baelish, not yet known as Littlefinger, that he might want to become a maester.]
Peter: What colour is her hair?
Gerion: Blonde.
Peter: And hers?
Gerion: Red.
Peter: And hers?
Gerion: Brunette.
Peter: If I got to the citadel, I'll never know if all the hair matches.
Chris: Kyn, please. The architect of your doom is generally Kyn.
[Captain Flynn has just agreed to give over all the loot his fleet has stolen from Seaguard (holdings of House Mallister) to their rightful owners.]
Malik: Captain, you're not thinking of raiding Seaguard on your way back, are you?
Flynn: I... might.
Torred: We're either geniuses beyond my ken or blithering idiots.
Malik: A little of column A, a lot of column B...
[Torred and Malik successfully negotiate with the Mallisters for the horses.]
Malik: How are we going to feed these 3000 people and horses?
Torred: We'll eat the slower ones.
I am under no illusions. Some of these "lines of the night" will only make sense to the players and GM. Some require context and backstory, which I will try to provide. But some of them stand alone, and I hope you enjoy them.
The game is set in the universe of Game of Thrones, by George R.R. Martin. For those who know the books, it is set about 15 years prior to the start of the novels, just before the tournament at Harrenhal. For those who don't know the books, it is a fantasay-esque setting, but without other races or (overt) magic. Think "middle ages in another world" and you've pretty much got it.
All characters are associated in some way with House Reidel, a house Ian made up for the game. Located at an extremely strategic, central location, just south of the God's Eye, House Reidel is a banner-house to the Tyrells (of the Reach) but in fact distant cousins of the Targaryens (the house of kings). House Reidel is known for its very effective Maesters at Arms, and consequently many nobles send their sons to foster at Crossroads (the holdings of House Reidel) to learn the art of swordsmanship. Many nobles also send their daughters to foster at Crossroads, because that's where all the eligible bachelors are.
The main cast of characters:
- Maxwell Reidel, "The Courtier" (played by Yan): Youngest son of Lord Reidel and one of the most capable jousters in the kingdom. He's a match even for Prince Rhaegar and Gregor Clegane... at least when he's sober, which isn't very often. Maxwell would have long since been knighted if he wasn't always drinking and cavorting.
- Maester Gerion (played by Chris Lontoc): The son of a Frey and a Lannister, Gerion inherited both families' penchant for ruthless efficiency and scheming. Beloved of Lord Walder Frey, mostly because the rest of his very extensive family hates him, Gerion maintained his family connections even after taking the Maester's chains. He is currently maester of House Reidel.
- Septon Gerald (played by Joe): The rather nondescript septon of House Reidel, Septon Gerald isn't actually present very often. (Read: Joe couldn't come to many sessions and eventually dropped the game.)
- Joseph Tyrell, "The Blackrose" (played by Sam): A member of House Tyrell (lords of the Reach) and related to the Tullys (lords of the Riverlands), Joseph should actually be far more highly placed than he currently is. While an able swordsman and a pleasant companion, Joseph is not looked upon favourably by House Tyrell, hence his moniker. Currently fostered to house Reidel and in service to Ser Matthias Malik, many people are wondering whether Joseph isn't long due to be knighted himself.
- Arella Dayne (played by Julie): Sister to Ser Arthur Dayne of the Kingsguard, Arella is heiress to the Dornish banner-house of Starfall. A free spirit in a land of more servile women, Arella is often inadvertently causing situations for the other characters to deal with. Currently fostered to House Reidel.
- Ser Torred Shale, "The Dancer" (played by Gunny): Arella's bodyguard, the recently-knighted Ser Torred has been associated with House Dayne for several years. Though a bastard son to a wealthy merchant, Torred actually has quite a fair amount of money and influence over his father's business. He fights quite effectively with a spear, the traditional weapon of Dorne, and his fluid fighting style has earned him his moniker. Currently serving Arella and training at Crossroads.
- Ser Matthias Malik (played by Kyn): Recently knighted, Ser Matthias hails from a small aristocratic family with no holdings. Malik is known for his devout piety, and is often the target of Bobby and Larra, Arella's promiscuous ladies-in-waiting. So far, they have not succeeded in catching him off guard. Fiercely loyal to Lord Reidel, Ser Matthias is currently training and serving at Crossroads.
- NPCs, etc. (played by Ian): will be explained as necessity dictates
The "Lines of the Night"
Brief note: some of these lines were said in-character, some out-of-character. To avoid confusion, I have used the characters' names for in-character lines, and the players' names for out-of-character.
Sept. 20, 2006
Torred: Do you have a better idea?
Maxell: Yes!
Torred: ... Fair enough.
[Just a case of Kyn not quite remembering his English properly:]
Gerion: I have a proposal for you.
Malik: Proposition away!
Random NPC: Maester Gerion, we found Tiget. He doesn't look well. In fact, he looks dead.
Oct. 3, 2006
[Referencing the fact that Maxwell is an excellent jouster but only fair swordsman, this line just invited misinterpretation:]
Malik: Maxwell can't fight unless he has something between his legs.
Maxwell: Something that you apparently don't have.
Malik: ... I should have thought of that before I said anything.
Nov. 1, 2006
[Willas Tyrell is the oldest son of Lord Tyrell, whom they are discussing:]
Willas: I think my father is just sensitive.
Gerion: Can I quote you on that?
Willas: ... Certainly not.
Nov. 15, 2006
[Joe had still not shown up when the game started. This was the very first line of the night, as Ian tried to set the stage:]
Ian: So, you show up at Oldtown with the Godsworn--
[doorbell rings]
Ian: --and there he is now.
[From the department of "lines that aren't dirty but sound like they are":]
Gunny: I guess you shouldn't oil a spear in the bath.
[Bizarre stuff started happening:]
Kyn: Somehow, I turned left and found myself in D&D!
[At Oldtown, Maxwell found a manticore and wanted to buy it:]
Yan: Sweet! I'm gonna be riding a manticore!
Everyone else: Or the manticore's gonna be riding you!
Kyn (to Marc, who was watching the game): Geez... you're like this oversized, walking boulder.
Malik: There is no shame in doing menial work.
Gerion: Not to be facetious, but the term 'menial'...
[At a ball, things got a little odd:]
Ian: And the Reidels invent the discotec.
Nov. 29, 2006
[The player characters are on a boat sailing to Lannisport. We're about a day away. Ian, unbeknownst to the players, has "plans" for us.]
Kyn: So, do we land?
Ian: Heh heh.
Malik: The Lannisters control every gold, silver, and copper in the port.
Gerion: [scoff] Copper?
Arella: That's what bannermen are for.
Kyn: God, I love being the oppressed minority!
[Our ship was shipwrecked, and Torred is running back and forth trying to save people.]
Gunny: I just want to know if that part of the ship is where I left it!
[Joseph was thrown overboard in the shipwreck and trying to swim for land. He rolled, I believe, a natural 20 on his swim check.]
Ian: You find a dingy.
Sam: Best swim check ever!
[Malik is carrying Bobby, one of Arella's promiscuous ladies-in-waiting. They had both fallen into the water during the shipwreck and Malik is trying to climb back on-board. Remember that he is known for his devout piety and chastity.]
Malik (to Bobby): Lose the dress -- it's wet!
[Kyn rolled a 1 on his climb check, sending the rope spiralling down to the water and then snapping back upwards.]
Ian: You've just invented the bungee cord.
Chris: The speed of plot overcomes the laws of physics.
[Malik, Torred, and a bunch of other people find themselves on a desert island after the shipwreck.]
Malik: Hey.
Torred: Hey.
Malik and Torred, in tones indicating they'd rather face an uncaged manticore: ... Hey Bobby.
Dec. 13, 2006
[More from the "lines that aren't dirty but sound like they are" department:]
Kyn: I like ash. Ash me!
Gerald: [rants very loudly] ... That was not wise, we should keep our voices down. There may still be raiders about.
[Maxwell lost his horse in the shipwreck, and is now on a deserted island with Gerion and a bunch of random NPCs.]
Yan: I have no horse.
Kyn: Are you about to cry?
Yan: ... Yes.
[Malik, Torred, Bobby, and some other NPCs were captured by an Iron Island's fleet -- essentially pirates. Malik is trying very hard to fast-talk the sailors into not raping the (extremely promiscuous) Bobby.]
Malik: She's worth more to you as a virgin!
All other players: [scoff and laugh]
[The various men at arms on the deserted island are trying to build a shelter. Ian rolled a 1 for their check. Chris asked Ian how many men-at-arms he had with him. Ian was about to say "five."]
Reidel man-at-arms: If I bend the tree back... [fwding-a-dinga-dinga]
Ian: ... Four. Four men at arms.
[After a barroom brawl involving about twenty people, Joseph and a guy with an eyepatch are the last two men standing.]
Eyepatch guy: So what are we going to do now?
Joseph: Drink.
Eyepath guy: ... Alright.
Jan. 24, 2007
Ian (about Gunny): That was either an inexperienced mountain climber or a black man masturbating.
Gunny: That's closer to the truth than you know.
[Kyn forgot his character's name. It was funny.]
NPC Interrogator (to Malik): What is your name?
Kyn: My name is... um...
Everyone else: Malik!
Torred (to Bobby): If this is my last day on this planet, there's one thing I want to do first... [he drags her to his cabin]
[Torred and Malik were captured by an Iron Islands armada led by Captain Flynn... think stereotypical pirate. It turns out Torred's grandfather had worked as a pirate alongside Flynn, so Flynn had a soft spot for Torred. He had no such soft spot for Malik, and imprisoned him. Torred is trying to arrange for Malik's release.]
Flynn: You want his release?!?
Torred: I know that at some point in the future, I'll come to regret this choice...
[Ian is describing a scene in which Maxwell is facing off against a wild boar. He has just finished mentioning that they were stalemated, as though one of the two combatants is waiting for his partner.]
Kyn (to Yan): Do you have a partner?
Yan: No.
Ian: But the boar does!
Yan: I need a big stone.
Kyn: And this is where any good plan ends.
Kyn (to Yan): Dude, if you're gonna die, at least save the boar.
[Joseph is lying in bed, very wounded from the barroom brawl. A mysterious man visits him to bring ominous portents.]
Mysterious NPC: Soon, swords will be raised. [All players realize this is a reference to the coming war.]
Joseph: Yes, there's a tournament coming up!
All other players: [deep sigh]
Flynn: Shiv's an exception... He knows how to keep his mouth shut... We sewed it once... He was four.
[Malik has been released from the hold where he was imprisoned, and is trying to find out who the other prisoner in the hold was.]
Malik: The other man in there: what are you going to do with him?
Flynn: He's still alive?
Malik: Yes.
Flynn: I'm nothing if not patient.
Torred: Can I ask what his crime was?
Flynn: I can't remember... he came with the ship.
[As per Iron Islands customs, a new sailor (read: Malik) takes the lowest rank on the ship unless he kills someone and takes their place. He's currently in a fight with an NPC.]
NPC: [Throws his axe. Malik dodges. The axe hits another sailor.]
Kyn: He's dead?
Ian: Yes.
Malik: I take his place!
Feb. 21, 2007
Sam: If you can dodge an arrow, you can dodge a ball!
[Torred and Malik's ship is about to attack a Lannister ship. Malik is trying to justify this action to himself.]
Torred: Think of it as payback.
Malik: No... it's defence!
Torred: Right, we call it that in the mountains sometimes, too.
[A rescue ship has arrived to bring Gerion, Maxwell, and the random NPCs back to civilization. One problem: Maxwell has disappeared and no one knows where he is.]
NPC Captain: Young Maxwell is here?
Gerion: Yes... on the island.
Malik: So... 7 people are going to take on an entire ship?
Torred: They're only Lannisters.
Malik: I think you're starting believe that waaaay too much.
[I absolutely don't remember the context around this line.]
Gunny (to Kyn): Bah... leveling raider won't hurt you.
[Malik tries to justify to himself why he killed three people in the raid on the other ship, during which he gained a sword from one of his victims.]
Malik: True, I just killed three of them, but that was in complete self-defence!
Sam: Complete self-defence... and a shiny sword!
[Maxwell has found himself with a tribe of savages, from whom he's trying desperately to escape, though they've actually been really nice to him. At the moment, he's alone with the chief.]
Maxwell: [rolls to attack the chief] I'm getting out of here alive! [he fails the roll] I am gonna die! Crap!
Chris (to Yan): A fat, unarmed savage kicked your ass.
[Yet another one from the "lines that sound dirty but aren't" department.]
Julie: I'll play it by ear, because there's not much I can do in the sack.
Mar. 14, 2007
Chris: The best that can happen now is that it doesn't get worse.
[Ian's accent slipped a bit while he was playing Flynn.]
Malik (to Flynn): Weren't you... not Irish?
Flynn: ... Argh.
[Malik has been giving Flynn ideas.]
Chris (to Kyn): The Greyjoy rebellion begins early because of you.
Mar. 21, 2007
[Gunny has been absent for a few sessions. Lots of stuff happened in those sessions.]
Ian (to Gunny): So you've been given your own ship.
Gunny: I've been given my own ship. [beat] Wait, I've been given my own ship?
[Torred is speaking with Enron, second-in-command of his newly-acquired ship. Also illiterate.]
Torred: Enron? Is that E-N-R-O-N?
Enron: Yes--
Torred: Great, excellent--
Enron: --I think.
[Torred asks Enron what he can do to secure his position as captain and the respect of the crew.]
Enron: I recommend killing someone who isn't me, captain. Someone old and experienced. Preferably not me.
[Yet another one from the "lines that aren't dirty but sound like it" department:]
Gunny: I think I'm going to go to my cabin and tend to my equipment.
[Maxwell is sleeping.]
Ian (to Yan): Roll listen.
Yan: [rolls a 1] I like sleeping.
[The chief of the savage tribe is trying to explain things to Maxwell using pictograms. Maxwell utterly misinterprets them.]
Maxwell (to chief): So you're going to teach me to be stronger so when I go back to the mainland, I'll become king?
Chief: [facepalm]
[Maxwell, Gerion, et al are eventually rescued. Maxwell is on milk of the poppy due to his wounds and somewhat delirious. No one else knows about the tribe of savages he was with.]
Maxwell: There were savages... they were 8 feet tall!
Gerion: He's somewhat delirious. I'm certain that in no time his mental faculties will be back to their sterling state.
[Torred is getting into the role of being captain.]
Malik (to Torred): Excuse me, can I speak with you for just a... [yank!]
Torred: Did you just grab a captain?!?
Torred (about Malik): Not bad... next we'll have him privy trained.
[Torred has convinced Captain Flynn to enter the entire fleet (of pirates, remember) into the tournament at Harrenhal.]
Torred: I'm planning on making an entrance.
Malik: With the Greyjoys?!?
Torred: It'll be memorable!
Malik (to Harcourt, an NPC): So you're third in command?
Harcourt: Only if you count the captain.
Malik: Good enough for me--
Torred (the captain): Hold!
[Gerion, in charge of establishing the lists order (ie: who fights who) at Harrenhal, receives a message.]
Messenger: The Greyjoys are coming to Harrenhal.
Gerion: What?!? Whose braindead idea is this?
Messenger: The king and Lord Tywin agreed to accept them.
Gerion: It's a great idea!
[Chris, referencing the fact that Malik is not actually a noble, but has been trying to invent a house and has had the rest of the characters fooled all game.]
Chris: You went through all this trouble to acquire a house and now you acquired the Greyjoys.
[One of the "badass moments of the night." Far too much background to go into here. It was a "had to be there" moment.]
Gerion: Joseph! I told you not to kill them!
Joseph: I didn't kill them. [leaves]
Apr. 18, 2007
Gerion: Peasants can always make more peasants. They're like rabbits that way.
[Remember, Gerion is a guy.]
Gerion: Betty, is it?
Betty: Yes, ma'am.
[A ship from Flynn's fleet sank, I believe from an internal conflict that got out of hand.]
Malik (to Flynn): I'm assuming that ship held people who were meant to fight in the tournament?
Flynn: ... Less, now.
[Chris commenting on Kyn's often poorly-thought-through suggestions to Flynn.]
Chris: Is it just me or is Kyn trying to forge the Greyjoys into a fighting force to conquer the mainland?
Malik (to Flynn): Do you want me to argue or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?
Flynn: This is where you smile and nod, lad.
Malik: Right! I think I hear my captain calling!
Kyn: I'm sorry, is it my fault that--
Chris: Yes!
Ian (to Kyn): So far you've been pretty goody-goody: protecting Bobby, saving her virt-- protecting Bobby...
[Remember that Malik is known for being chaste and virtuous, and Bobby is an airheaded slut.]
Malik: Bobby, did you tell him?
Bobby: Sometimes I forget what I say when I'm drunk... Sometimes when I'm not drunk... sometimes when my cunny's being licked...
Malik: Oh look! Woodwork!
May 16, 2007
Torred: If you're about to tell me that we're lost...
Malik: We're lost.
Malik: The solution is--
Torred: Should we be drinking?
Malik: ... Yes, actually.
[Torred has just found out that the Greyjoys have appointed him to negotiate the purchase of hundreds of horses from House Mallister on behalf of the Iron Islands' fleet. Also, that Malik was there when this decision was made.]
Torred: Great! You couldn't talk them out of my buying 3000 horses?
Malik: Actually, that was my suggestion.
Torred: Y'know, with friends like you...
[Gunny and Kyn discussing the probable retribution House Mallister will take upon hearing Torred's request, and how Torred can get his ship out of harm's way.]
Gunny: I've got dodge.
Kyn: That won't help you when you're a ship!
Gunny: Well the boulder won't hit me!
Kyn: That won't help when you're a ship!
[Torred's ship is surrounded by Mallister ships.]
Torred: It's okay! It's under control! We go way back!
Malik (to Torred): Maybe you want to get rid of the braids in your hair.
Torred: I have braids in my hair?!?
[Bobby waves]
Ian (re: Joseph): He's the Clark Kent of Westeros.
Malik: We're not treasonous... yet.
[Gerion suggests to Peter Baelish, not yet known as Littlefinger, that he might want to become a maester.]
Peter: What colour is her hair?
Gerion: Blonde.
Peter: And hers?
Gerion: Red.
Peter: And hers?
Gerion: Brunette.
Peter: If I got to the citadel, I'll never know if all the hair matches.
Chris: Kyn, please. The architect of your doom is generally Kyn.
[Captain Flynn has just agreed to give over all the loot his fleet has stolen from Seaguard (holdings of House Mallister) to their rightful owners.]
Malik: Captain, you're not thinking of raiding Seaguard on your way back, are you?
Flynn: I... might.
Torred: We're either geniuses beyond my ken or blithering idiots.
Malik: A little of column A, a lot of column B...
[Torred and Malik successfully negotiate with the Mallisters for the horses.]
Malik: How are we going to feed these 3000 people and horses?
Torred: We'll eat the slower ones.
