The Devil Made Me Do It

[eveglass]

Into the lands of the Rockbreaker orcs! There, Lucky Dan has an epic fight scene, Bardo has an epic fight scene, and Baska... tries to avoid having sex with one of the natives. Right around the time we discover that the sixth devil is not the Devil of Pride, as everyone hoped, but the Devil of Lust, because Robert the GM hates us all.


[Baska has informed Gorka'munda that our new NPC Caelin and our new PC Dan both want to join the ka as gobbos.]
Julie: "I'm First Gobbo and that actually means something now!"

[Our Heroes (tm) wake up and prepare to leave for the orcish lands.]
Shawn: "Dan is confused and drunk."
Sabina: "Seven a.m. is just a very late night."

[The scariest thing I'd heard all day.]
Gorka'munda: "I'm gonna do the talking."

[We meet Tosh, head of the Rockbreaker clan. Gorka'munda gives him a gift of a masterwork spear. Naturally, it needs to be tested.]
Tosh: "Korel! Hold out your hand!"
Andrew: "Wow, you really don't want to be that guy."

[We discover the orcish equivalent of the handshake.]
Robert the GM: "He head-butts Gorka'munda."
Julie: "I'm suddenly glad he never did this to me."

[We discover a hint of Gorka'munda's backstory.]
Robert the GM: "They call them the cursed clan."
Adam: "That's your clan?"
Andrew: "Yeah."
Adam: "...Lovely."

[Gorka'munda sees the quest for the sixth devil as a holy quest to redeem himself and his clan.]
Andrew: "I have no intention of coming back from my ancestral lands."
Julie: "Just so long as the rest of us do."

[Orcs and dwarves really don't get along very well.]
Gorka'munda: "The only other dwarf I ever met, I killed in his sleep. It's a long story."
Dan: "That actually sounds like a pretty short story."

[Given the orc/dwarf enmity, Bardo finds herself a bit of a target. Thankfully, she doesn't speak orcish.]
Robert the GM: "They're all carrying dwarven weapons."
Gorka'munda: (in orcish) "I see your raids on the dwarven camps have been successful."
Julie: "I don't translate that for Bardo."

[Trying to one-up each other, Gorka'munda and Tosh trade stories.]
Andrew: "I tell the story of my magic mug."
Julie: "I don't smirk. I've made a living of not smirking."

[Tosh Rockbreaker invites us back to his clan's camp for the night.]
Robert the GM: "It's an experience you've never had and hoped to never have: 275 orcs are staring at you."

[Of particular interest are Bardo, because she's a dwarf, and Lucky Dan.]
Dan: "Why is everyone staring at me?"
Baska: "Really?"
Adam: "I show you a mirror."

[Also of interest is Gorka'munda's mount.]
Andrew: "I lean up against the dire bison like a guy who bought a new car."

[Lucky Dan is worried about the sort of meat that the orcs eat.]
Baska: "They're not going to eat your horse. It would be rude."
Dan: "Oh, good. I've only had him for a day, but I've grown attached to Blinky."

[Gorka'munda goes out hunting for dinner with the Rockbreakers. He's paired with an orcish woman and, because he botched his survival roll, is kinda distracted by her.]
Robert the GM: "She's also distracted by you."
Julie: "Do you actually get to the hunting?"
Andrew: "Fade to black."
Shawn: "Please don't make him roleplay this."

[Meanwhile, back in camp, the rest of the PCs have been challenged by some of the locals. Lucky Dan takes it upon himself to rise to the challenge and fight an orc in single combat.]
Dan: "Wait right here. I'm gonna back up about 100 feet. Actually, make it 95 feet -- I have an idea."

[After trading a few blows, Dan backs off to heal his wounds. The orc thinks that Dan has forfeited the fight. Dan decides to prove otherwise.]
Shawn: "I moon him."
Robert the GM: "He pauses. He understands that."

[Dan defeats the orc and takes his dwarven-made ax.]
Dan: (to Bardo) "I'd give you the ax back, but I think they'd be offended."

[The party is reunited. Clearly, that means it's time for double entendres.]
Robert the GM: "The hunting party comes back."
Andrew: "Did I catch anything?"
Adam: "Yes. Yes, you did."

[Gorka'munda hears about Dan's fight with the orc and is impressed.]
Gorka'munda: "Gorka'munda need to reevaluate your place in ka. Reevaluating now..."
Erin: "Twelve hours later..."

[Gorka'munda is impressed by Dan's fighting ability, his drinking stamina, and the fact that he eats his meat raw.]
Gorka'munda: "You human?"
Dan: "When last I checked."
Baska: "And when was that, exactly?"
Dan: "Six months, four days, 11 hours ago."

[When modern and medieval sensibilities collide.]
Shawn: "It occurs to me that Gorka'munda is the one person who would believe bacteria existed if we told him they were tiny magical creatures."

[Dan decides not to heal the orc he vanquished, even though he's been passed out for several hours.]
Julie: "So you'll only heal the weaklings?"
Shawn: "Well, yeah. I didn't take merciful as a flaw."

[Meanwhile, after supper...]
Robert the GM: (to Julie) "There's an orc staring at you. His eyes keep going down to your chest. Do you ignore him?"
Julie: "As long as I can."

[The orc approaches and propositions Baska. She is less than pleased.]
Julie: "How would Baska handle this?"
Shawn: "When in doubt, set yourself on fire."

[Baska tries to weasel her way out of sleeping with the orc.]
Sabina: "I actually thought the fight would be the most entertaining thing tonight. I was wrong."

[Caelin pulls out the monocle that reveals signs of the devil's influence. Through it, he sees that the orc propositioning Baska is glowing blue... in the relevant areas of interest. The monocle is passed around the PCs.]
Dan: "What's this do? Hey, that guy's got a blue shlong. What a useless magical item!"

[I finally figure out how to deal with the orc situation. I'm surprised it took me so long to think of this.]
Julie: "Okay, Baska, in the tradition of Babylon 5, will teach the orc about human sex."

[The scene is mostly fade to black, but still...]
Robert the GM: "Julie, thank you for being a good sport."
Julie: "There's a reason I'm a con artist."

[Baska informs Gorka'munda about what she's learned from the monocle and her recent experiences.]
Baska: "Boss, you know what devil we're here to fight?"
Gorka'munda: "Pride?"
Baska: "No. Lust."
Gorka'munda: "Oh. That changes things."

[Meanwhile, some of the local orcs have decided to challenge Bardo. She agrees to fight them, but Gorka'munda wants things set up so that she'll only have to do it once.]
Gorka'munda: "It will be a ritual fight to the death. He can kill you, you can kill him."
Bardo: "I'm okay with that."
Baska: "Huh. Maybe it won't be Dan's excruciating death."
Dan: "Cheers!"

[Sabina crits her first roll in the fight.]
Robert the GM: "How much damage do you do?"
Sabina: "Sixty."
Robert the GM: "What?!"

[Reflecting on the challenging orc, who's now got Bardo's ax embedded three inches into his brain.]
Andrew: "Good job -- you sent him to the halls of Grumsh with style."

[Dan reviews the various challenges of the day.]
Dan: "I'd say we all did pretty well here."
Jace: "I didn't do anything."
Dan: "Except for you."

[After the fight is over...]
Gorka'munda: (to Bardo) "You can sleep well tonight."
Baska: "On the other hand, I'm not sleeping."


And that's it for this week. Next time, more wacky adventures with lusty orcs! Just what everyone always wanted! (Or, y'know, not...)