The voice of doom!

[eveglass]

Last night saw the Epic Battle of Epicness (tm). Since regular mass battle is clearly not epic enough, Andrew the GM converted all our characters and their followers into Warhammer miniatures and we did the final gigantic battle as a Warhammer game. Well, almost the final battle. The game's not over yet. But we're getting close! So close! (Yeah, where have I heard that before...)


[As we're figuring out where to put our forces, Zath is approached by some gnomish kitchen staff who want to fight on our side.]
Andrew the GM: "The gnomes are gonna chuck soup."
Bob: "Nice! They're going on the wall!"

[Set-up continues. Note that we're not usually Warhammer players.]
Andrew the GM: "Eric, do you have a template for--"
Eric: "Nope."

[Before the battle begins, we are approached by the goddess Kyo, who says that if we leave now and go far, far away, she won't attack Shelezar. Andrew the GM is worried we're actually going to accept.]
Eric: "If I wanted to destroy the game, I could have done it at much funnier parts."

[The battle is ready to be joined.]
Andrew the GM: "There are three tricks to win this battle."
Eric: "One: punch out Andrew."
Erin: "Two: get him drunk."

[Strategies are things that happen to other people.]
Julie: "What's our plan?"
Eric: "Hit them 'till they stop moving?"

[Just before the battle, two obelisks rise up from the ground, one to the north and one to the south of Shelezar. They are clearly places of great power... if they can be deciphered. Jedidiah of Talona, our arch-annoyance, reaches one first.]
Eric: "If his success relies on him deciphering the pillar, we may have more turns than we expected."

[To the south of the city sally forth Heironean knights, in full plate mail, on their barded warhorses... and also some brave Shelezarian citizens, who are NOT on barded warhorses.]
Andrew the GM: "I fire at the Shelezarian halberdiers."
Eric: "Who are armored by hope!"

[Neyrr's magics continue to be dispelled by the spellcasters to the south. Thus we turn to plan B: have the gnomes shoot them with hot soup.]
Adam: "They can't dispel ballistics to the head!"

[The Colossus of Sardia was destroyed in the epic fight with the Dark Seraph. But in the intervening year, it was repaired by master dwarven engineers. As part of their repair efforts, they fitted the Colossus -- now called the Grudgehammer -- with a gigantic metal beard. It too sallied forth to the south, to deal with another colossal-sized creature. Its plan? Head-butt it until it dies.]
Eric: "It's definitely a dwarven weapon."
Andrew the GM: "It just attacked with its head!"

[The gnomes attempted to fire their soup at a unit of cactus men. Sadly, they missed. Luckily, the shot just happened to land on the powerful enemy spellcasters.]
Eric: "Gnomish battle cry: we meant to do that!"

[We're not doing quite as well as anticipated. Remember: we're not really Warhammer players.]
Andrew the GM: "You should have attacked the furies. You'd have cut through their etherealness like butter!"
Bob: "God, you'd think I'd never played this game before!"

[One of our old enemies, whose name -- I kid you not -- is "A Pimp Named Slickback," is turned to stone by Azlo's mega-ultra-chicken.]
Eric: "How do you say 'a corpse named Slickback' in cockatrice?"
Andrew the GM: "Bu-caw?"

[Reflecting on the death of A Pimp Named Slickback.]
Andrew the GM: "I was hoping for him to go in a more epic way."
Eric: "He doesn't deserve an epic death."

[The tide of battle begins to turn. Andrew the GM starts complaining.]
Adam: "Andrew, the GM's job is to lose. Except for those evil GMs."

[After taking a massive amount of damage, the colossal-sized Grudgehammer is finally taken out by an enemy melee unit.]
Melee unit: "We killed it!"
Grudgehammer: *starts to fall directly on top of them*
Melee unit: "On second thought..."

[Neyrr deciphers the script on one of the two obelisks and realizes it leads to a set of coordinates. He follows them to find Azure, god of death, trapped in a prison of light.]
Eric: "I want to sneak attack Azure."

[Neyrr frees Azure, who returns to Shelezar to find out what the heck is happening. Andrew tries to find a miniature to use for the death god, overlooking the potentially obvious... himself.]
Eric: "Andrew, this is your one chance to be a miniature in a Warhammer game."

[Recall that all our troubles with the Dol Mosh are directly because of Azlo, who reverted his alignment to evil and set him upon his path of terror.]
Azure: "Who the fuck let out the Dol Mosh?!"
Azlo: "No idea. I blame Neyrr."
Azure: "Damn you, Neyrr!"

[Following the coordinates of the other obelisk, Neyrr finds Pelor and frees an efreet named Duthrak, former guardian of Shelezar, who returns to take up his former position.]
Adam: "Point of interest: efreets have unlimited wishes."


So the Shelezarian forces have destroyed Kyo's army to the south of Shelezar, Azure Deathgod has scattered the remnants of the forces of evil to the north of the city, and things have settled down again so that we can finish building the weapon of ultimate power to take out the Plague God. Well, in theory settled down. "Settled" is such a strong word. In fact, we've got yet more battles to do, boys and girls. Join us Monday when we find out what happens next!