eveglass | Overwhelmed

Since writing that last post, I've been feeling quite overwhelmed. I don't know when I'm going to plan my classes; I really don't. I may need to do them on the weekends or something. I don't think I'll be able to make it to karate this semester, as the only chances I've got are Tuesday and Thursday evenings, and I've got other things I want to do those days.

I worked out how many hours I'll be devoting to this based on paid teaching hours, travel time, and estimated prep time. It looks like even though I'm only being paid for 13 hours, I'm actually working (or travelling to work) about 30 hours a week. All this for about the same salary as full-time minimum wage work.

I'm just stressed out right now. I'd finally made peace with the number of hours I already had this semester, and then I got the call that I'm getting three more, and everything just went right out the window.

I'm so stressed. I feel overwhelmed, especially with the Vanier class. I seriously believe that I'd be far more well-adjusted if I didn't have that night class, but I do, and I'm not going to give it up once I've already started.

Maybe I'll fall into a routine in a few weeks. I certainly hope I will, otherwise this is going to be a "take it a day at a time" semester. I don't want to be in "deal with things one day at a time" until the end of November. That would suck.

One thing that has become apparent to me: every time I start a new class, whether it's the "once a week for three months" or "every day for two weeks" sort, I get extremely tense and nervous. I generally settle into things after a while, but I'm never entirely free of the "oh God, I don't know what to teach next class" stress.

And the worst part is, if this is my modus operandi, I probably wouldn't make a particularly good cegep teacher either. It would be the same sort of situation: nerves about whether I'm getting a contract; stress about setting a syllabus; tension every class about filling up the time with Content (tm). Moreover, it would repeat every three months, just as it has for the past year. So maybe cegep teaching isn't the direction I should be taking my career after all. I love teaching, but I don't like all the other stuff that you have to do in order to be prepared in the classroom.

In my traditional "grass is greener on the other side" mentality, when I've got no work, I wish I had work. When I have lots of work, I wish I had less work. When I'm overwhelmed, I wish I wasn't. When I'm bored, I wish I was stressed. Stupid brain: just pick something!!!

It's one thing to start a new job; it's another to essentially start a least one new job every 3-4 months. It's all the same stresses: new people, new expectations, new environment, etc. But while most people who have "traditional" jobs only go through this upheaval whenever they switch jobs (which may be often, but may be only once every 5-6 years), I go through it 2-4 times a year! Ouch!

I'm really, really, really considering going back to school so that I can follow a career that is: 1) predictable, 2) lucrative, and 3) stable. I've been in school recently enough that I remember how to study and how to get my brain into "taking classes" mode. The thought I've been having for the last few weeks is (of all things) accounting -- which is not particularly interesting, but is lucrative and stable. I'm not sure it would feed my soul, but it would put money in my pocket and hopefully keep me more sane (or at least, less stressed) than I am now. It might not be the best choice out there, but it's the one my brain seems to have latched on to.

My only hestitation in going back to school -- in any discipline -- is that I am able to do it with my own money. Yes, I may be able to ask my parents for tuition, but I want to be able to afford my personal expenses on my own. (Even if it means I can't move out just yet.) If I find a program that offer co-ops, I pretty much just need to get through the first year before I can start alternating work-semesters and school-semesters.

Feh. I'm just stressed because it's the first week and I'm suddenly thrust into a whole bunch of work. Hopefully things will settle down... hopefully. Because if they don't, I really won't be good company for the next few months.