New piece: I met a bard upon a moonstruck night

[eveglass]

A few days ago, I asked for requests for new bardic pieces people wanted me to write, mostly as a way of gaining inspiration to actually put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as the case might be). The first one that caught my muse was the one by emerlion, "write a sonnet about an experience you had at Pennsic."

Sad to say, the experience that stood out most in my mind was being snubbed by a certain someone on the Tuesday of War Week. I had hoped to be going back to his tent, and he wound up going back with someone else. I was, shall we say, miffed. But that was the memory my muse focused on, so here's the sonnet about it:


I met a bard upon a moonstruck night,
Beside the fire listened to his song,
His eyes shone bright as diamonds in the light,
His voice resounded rich, and deep, and strong.

Our eyes crossed paths before the flick'ring glow,
He placed a gentle hand upon my knee.
His cloak about my shoulders seemed to show
That shortly to his tent we both would flee.

He rose, he said but for the briefest time,
It was an hour more 'till he returned,
And on his arm I saw a maiden fine!
Her lips received his kiss while me he spurned.

But in this choice 'tis he who missed the mark,
For I am fire; she the merest spark.


By Katherine Ashewode,
based on actual events of Pennsic XXXV (2006)


Constructive criticism and other comments are welcome.

Comments

[warmbear.livejournal.com]

I like it, it is too short though, it needs a chorus to break it up and make it last more than 12.3 seconds. I cant wait to hear you sing it. wish I could make you feel better too.

[eveglass.livejournal.com]

Um... a sonnet is 14 lines. it's a set form. I can't add a chorus in; that would defeat the purpose. *grin*

No worries about feeling better. I'm over him, truly. It was just damned frustrating at the time.

[warmbear.livejournal.com]

ahh ok, I did not know the difference. and I dont care if you are over him or no, I would still love to make you feel better.

[eveglass.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you would, hon. We've had this conversation before. :)

For the record, a sonnet is a very specific type of poem. It's 14 lines long, all in iambic pentameter, which means lines sound like this: da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM. The rhyme scheme in a Shakespearean sonnet (which is what I did here) is ABAB, CDCD, EFEF, GG.

If any of this is confusing and you want to learn more, find me at practice and I'll explain it better.

This is disturbing- but it works...

[loreleiskye.livejournal.com]

Anytime I'm trying to write in iambic pentameter-
I try to see if it will scan to 'Gillagan's Island' or 'The Yellow Rose of Texas'. (Which admittedly gets challenging to get it to any other tune later.)

Random poetry fun-bit:
Emily Dickensen wrote almost exclusively in Iambic rythems but usually with lines of 8 syllables "Because I could not stop for death" & 6 syllabes "Death kindly stopped for me". As a result- nearly all her poems can be sung to one of those two tunes. Shakespeare usually won't because of the Pentameter (10 syllable lines).

:D

Re: This is disturbing- but it works...

[eveglass.livejournal.com]

I'd actually known that before. I think it's one of those little tidbits people inevitably pick up if they've been doing bardic long enough. Fun fact, indeed!

[loreleiskye.livejournal.com]

very very nice :)

Only critique (might just be personal preference); unless the repetition was deliberate- there's a lot of use of he/him.

But I like the flow, use of imagery, and it comes across with a stong voice.

[eveglass.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the comments. The he/him use wasn't particularly deliberate, though the repetiton of fire was. Overall, I found it a little simplistic when I was writing it (no grand use of metaphor or mythological imagery), but it's not bad for 45 minutes of work. :)

Well done!

[emerlion.livejournal.com]

Actually there's a very nice use of imagery in this piece.

The only suggestions I'd make would be to rewrite the first line of the couplet, and even there, only the first part: I don't think you need to say you are in pain, because the stanza right before it says that quite well.

Instead of "it's he who missed his mark", which is excellent by the way, try "'tis he...".

Again, huzzah!

Re: Well done!

[eveglass.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the comments. The couplet was the part giving me the most problems, actually. I'll think about changing that first line. And yes, 'tis does work better than it's. (Now why didn't I think of that?... *grin*)