Out of the Mouths of Godlings

[eveglass]

Rescuing children for fun and profit! Well... for most of us. The rest of us shall mourn the loss of Yojimbo Jones. He shall be missed. And we shall look forward to taunting Kyn's next character as much as his last.


[Between last session and this one, Tetsuo's right-hand man Noah calls up Cameron to offer him a job. The meeting is off to a relaxed start.]
Noah: "Anything to drink?"
Cameron: "At this hour? It's only 10:30. ...Well, sure. You only live once."
Noah: "It could have been a latté. It doesn't need to be alcohol."
Cameron: "What would be the point?"

[Noah invites Cameron to be Tetsuo's bodyguard. Cameron is reluctant.]
Cameron: "I got attacked by ninjas the other day--"
Julie: "Frickin' ninjas."
Cameron: "Frickin' ninjas!"

[Meanwhile, Sarah Sheppard is visited by Talia and her hideous pterodactyl-like companion, Lilith.]
Pat the GM: "This thing will give you nightmares."
Julie: "Well, it'll certainly give other people nightmares."

[Talia threatens Sarah for a while, delivers the message that The Master is busy and doesn't want to talk to her right now, threatens her some more, and disappears into the shadows.]
Lilith: *crushes Sarah, hisses, and disappears*
Sarah: "...So, that went well."

[Also meanwhile, Tetsuo is trying to find an academic to translate some ancient texts relating to Atlantis.]
Seb: "Naturally, there's a part of his contract that says if he blabs, I kill his family... I mean, take him to court."

[While Sarah is filming Neverwhere, a door magically appears in one of the set walls, with stairs leading down. The rest of her crew is unconscious. She decides to investigate.]
Pat the GM: "You're gonna go in there alone?"
Julie: "Yeah."
Pat the GM: (dubiously) "...Okay."

[Sarah descends alone.]
Julie: "I think I'm gonna do something stupid!"
Marc: "All right! Go forth into the world and bring your stupidity with you!"

[At the end of some tunnels, Sarah discovers the bar at the centre of the universe. The bartender, Chiron, offers her one drink on the house, anything she wants. She choses to have ambrosia.]
Pat the GM: "It's like an orgasm in its smell."

[Sarah discovers that down some other tunnels are Titanspawn who have captured some children. Chiron tells her to bring back the rest of her companions and he'll explain how to beat them.]
Marc: (as Sarah) "I don't suppose you have a bar phone I can use?"
Julie: "Are you kidding? From the centre of the universe? Can you imagine the long-distance charges?!"

[Sarah contacts the rest of Our Heroes (tm), who prepare to join her.]
Seb: "I take out a badass desert eagle... that I don't know how to use."

[Sarah brings everyone back to the bar at the centre of the universe. Cameron has an 80-year-old Macallan scotch, Yojimbo orders a beer but doesn't drink it, and Tetsuo... doesn't ask for anything at all.]
Pat the GM: "Bastard's not drinking."
Julie: "It's okay. I put myself under Chrion's thrall for him."

[After giving out the drinks, Chiron cuts to the chase.]
Chiron: "So, now that I have all of you here..."
Kyn: "...He springs the trap."

[Tetsuo reveals what he knows about Chiron.]
Tetsuo: "This gentleman is the son of Kronos."
Kyn: "I attack him."
Seb: "...I didn't know he was that impulsive."
Julie: "Really?!"

[Chrion reveals what he knows about the party.]
Chrion: "Two of you are from pantheons known for their fighting, and you... I see the twinkle in your eyes; you are very smart."
Tetsuo: (deadpan) "That you for noticing the twinkle in my eye."

[The first creatures we're gonna have to face are harpies.]
Yojimbo: "Harpies?"
Tetsuo: "They fly, they screech, they stink..."
Cameron: "They bulletproof?"
Sarah: "They shouldn't be."
Cameron: "There you go."

[Past the harpies and Uriel, angel of death, we need to fight a Titanspawn named Pennywise..]
Yojimbo: "So he's a clown and a spider with freeze vision?!"
Cameron: "I'm gonna fuck him up!"

[Yojimbo takes in the new information.]
Seb: "Every time anyone says something, Yojimbo's like, 'Mmm-hmm,' but he mostly knows fuck-all."

[Chiron is insistent that we must fight as a group. Yojimbo reveals his grasp of group tactics.]
Tetsuo: "That sort of group cohesion, that takes time."
Yojimbo: "Uh-huh. Co...casian."

[Yojimbo suggests that he takes the harpies, Cameron takes Uriel, and Tetsuo deals with Pennywise.]
Cameron: "I think that's a bad plan, and I'll tell you why I think it's a bad plan..."
Yojimbo: "Hey, if you're not up to it, it's okay."
Marc: "...Oh, you son of a bitch!"

[We approach the harpies. They stick. A lot.]
Julie: "Sometimes I wish I didn't have epic perception!"

[Sarah, naturally, starts puking almost immediately as she approaches the harpies. Because of a horrible roll, so does Yojimbo.]
Kyn: "That was heroic of me. At least I'm getting the botches out early."

[Tetsuo is so very, very pretty that all the harpies start attacking him first.]
Pat the GM: "They're gonna try to get you down to sleep with you."
Kyn: "I don't think it's sleeping with him; I think it's rape."

[We defeat the harpies and meet Uriel, angel of death. She seems very excited to be facing Tetsuo and Cameron, but doesn't react much to Yojimbo. He sulks and decides not to join in the fight.]
Kyn: "Well, she got all wet for these two..."
Julie: "You're a child of storms -- wet comes naturally to you."

[The fight against Uriel begins.]
Cameron: *shoots her*
Uriel: (weakly) "Slaughter weapon... I love it."
Seb: "Boot to the face."

[Having defeated Uriel, we descend into the sewers and hear a horrible, hideous laugh.]
Pennywise: "Hahahahaha!"
Pat the GM: "It reminds you of something you were afraid of as a child."
Yojimbo: "Hahahaha to you too!"
Tetsuo: "So obviously he was afraid of intelligence as a child."

[We enter into Pennywise's inner sanctum, a sewer with all sorts of spider webs along the walls, some of them trapping children.]
Pat the GM: "Ballons start coming down."
Kyn: (deadpan) "Oh, gasp. He's killing us with bad humor."

[Pennywise the Clown reveals himself.]
Julie: "Is it wrong that part of me is going, "Ooh, this would be an excellent nightmare for my maze!'"

[Yojimbo takes some of the sewer-water and wraps it around Pennywise's face, so that he can't use his darkvision.]
Yojimbo: "I'm stronger than you."
Pennwise: *grabs Yojimbo's arms but fails to get him off* "You are stronger!"
Yojimbo: "I am the sea!"
Pennywise: "..."
Yojimbo: "Somebody shoot him!"

[Failing to defeat us in his human form, Pennywise moves to Plan B.]
Pat the GM: "He turns into a giant spider, twelve feet by fifteen feet."
Yojimbo: "I can take him. ...But I think I'll give Cameron a chance to shoot him."

[Tetsuo jumps on Pennywise's back, only to find his punches stopped by the spider's carapace.]
Seb: "It's gonna eat me. And you know how fast it's moving?"
Julie: "So shoot its legs off."

[Yojimbo flies up, but the spider follows him, poisons him, and he falls out of the sky. Sarah organizes a coordinated strike by the rest of the PCs and John Kennedy, a Scion of Hera who had been trapped by Pennywise.]
Pat the GM: "John touches him with the spell, he does heath, and Pennywise dies."
Seb: "Worst narration ever."
Marc: "It's like a badly-translated Korean movie."

[Sadly, Our Heroes (tm) were not fast enough to save Yojimbo.]
Kyn: "You cocksucker, Pat. Just remember... next week is my turn."

[Yes, friends, Yojimbo is dead. Kyn will need to roll up a new character.]
Julie: "He only had two sessions!"
Seb: "It's okay. He was problematic."
Marc: "You think the next one is gonna be any less problematic?"

[We leave the sewers with the children we rescued. However, as we emerge into Central Park, Hera phases out everyone but her son, so he takes all the glory.]
Tetsuo: "Well played, Hera. Well played."

[Sadly, John is about to learn what it means to find himself on the wrong side of Tetsuo's vengeance.]
Tetsuo: "I might not be able to get to your mom, but you're gonna suffer for her."


And that's it for this week! Next time... I have no idea. But it'll definitely be epic!